"( Vampires and Letters )

Dear Universe,

I just wanted to say thank you for all that you are doing for me. For helping me see that I am strong and whole. For allowing me this chance to love myself and learn who I am. I am grateful for my family and friends. For the education I've been given and will continue to learn. Both in acaemia and in life and in love. I know that I am impatient, and I wish to know all, I wish to understand what has happened and why I had to fall. I am glad to know that I am learning everyday, that it's not easy and it's because I struggle so hard against myself that I am the reason I am not happy yet. I have to be grateful for the life I've been granted, of this journey I've discovered. I am so happy and grateful that I can be me, a me without him. She's wonderful and brillant and smart and has so much love to give. I am grateful to know that I'll be alright, that I do not have to worry or think about him.


Hi Cali,

So...I've basically been scolded, lectured and yelled at by everyone in my life. I get that they love me and are frustrated for my sake. That they just want me to be whole, and honestly that's what I wish as well. So why the heck do I still worry about him and think about him so much. I've heard that a lot of his friends are acting like nothing's wrong now, that it's all fine etc. I guess I'm dissapointed to hear that. I was wishing that he would have to face what he has done not only to me but to everyone.

I honestly feel inlined with the universe when I wish for things for myself and take care of myself. I wont let him or anyone else stop me from living my life but am I doing that right? I

Hi Cali,

I've been thinking alot about what you said, that I can't stop him from living my life. That I have to just Do It already, even the consuler at school yelled at me as well. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to just get to that point where I can say "oaky, I understand all of this now and I'm happy and whole without him."

Friends of mine who do know him, who have talked to him told me that he isn't thinking of me at all, that he's completly wrapped up into himself. I just want to kow if I'm doing anything right at all???

I've also been told that a lot of his friends, from the look at facebook at least are acting like everything is fine and no one is mad or anything. That it's been all swept under the rug. I guess I'm dissappointed, becaues I was hoping that he would have to face what he's done not only to me, but to the friends he's hurt.

I feel in-lined with the universe when I'm taking care of me. When I'm focusing on me and not worrying about him at all. When I put myself first and foremost, when I take care of what I need to get done. This is what I'm supposed to do. What EVERYONE has said to do from the start, put the spot light on me and do what I need to do for me. I have no control over what happens to him or what he does. I have no say in it, no matter how much I worry or concern myself. Even John is saying it to me, yet again, he's lost in himself. All he cares and thinks about is him. All that matters to him is how he feels and what he's doing for him. I am not even in mind, it's all about what Matt can do for Matt. Congratulations fucktard, I'm so fucking proud of you, that your still putting yourself as the priority. I say it, my friends and family say it as well. I'm ten times the woman she could ever hope to be. I'm ten times more than you could ever hope to be. I have so much love and support from all my friends and family. I know that they mean well when they push me forward, push me upwards and onwards with my life. I really do wish the best for John, I wish that he moves on with his life, maybe this girl  is the answer to that, who the fuck knows? I doubt it, I think that she's using him so that she doesnt' have to deal with her own fucking divorce. Whatever, it's been since last Friday, and he's going on about how when they step in a room, even with her husband, they assume that he's with her and not the other way around...again, FOCUSING ON ME. I do feel better when I'm taking care of myself, when I'm holding onto myself and putting MY needs and MY wishes first. I hit that low when I realized what I've lost, okay...well here I am. Still alive, doing better, I don't think that I can talk to John so much about it, because he's so caught up in the joy that he and Kim share.


Right so BACK ON TO ME.

What do you see when you look at me
A smile, tears, beauty or needy
Do you see what I want to portray
or the hidden girl who I keep far away
what is that drives you to want to come near
again and again, as though your unclear
if you had me once and discarded me
what makes you want to come back
what do you see when you look at me
I wonder and stare at these haunting eyes
trying to convince myself that it will all be alright
I don't want to hurt you nor be hurt again
but when I look at you I see that person
the one who you try to ignore, the jerk, the asshole
the small boy in the corner
I look at you and see who you are
and I smile kindly because I know what you want
and now that she is still very far
And yet I have to wonder still
if it is me that your searching for, or someone to make
time stand still

I was just skimming facebook and saw that most of the people that I knew from my childhood, who went to my middle school all went to Ivy League schools, or in the very least prestiges ones. It had me thinking, how bad the pressure on them must have been. Growing up in that environment, well it's a lot like Gossip Girl. You have to look right, talk right, act right. You are expected to get into the best schools, drive the expensive cars, live a life of wealth and some power. The revelation is, the groundwork was pressed into me as well. Though Del Val, isn't as well known as many schools, it is without a doubt a great school. A school that I feel safe in, and continue to grow in. I wont let myself get down by the fact that they are in these prestigous school. Because who knows if they are in fact truly happy. Who can be the judge of that. As for myself, who cares if I didn't get into NYU or Cornell or Harvard. I have accomplished a huge goal in my own right. The fact that I am here today writing in this journal is proof of that. In short, I guess the only reason for writing this late at night when I have to get up in five hours is to just tell myself. I'm doing just fine. 

Apparently the amount of work that I'm putting in is not enough. Nor is my study method. I have to try something different, and study smarter, or else I just may as well quit school and sign up for a life of dead end jobs. I know that it is partly my fault for why my grades are. but G-d Damn't!! I hate this. It was unnerving just how accurate he was about my own self defeat cycle. I fear the un-pending doom of my grades and freak out. Then scramble to pick up the pieces and try to hold it all together. This has never been healthy, but at least I was able to keep up a 3.0 average. Well here that's not the case. The classes are only going to become more and more difficult. And Bio is just the beginning, then I have genetics, ecology, stats for reseasrch, anatomy and phys. I mean, jeezus! Sciences are one of The hardest majors so of course I pick it. "slams head into wall". As disappointed as I am in my grades, I can't give up. There is no future for me by not finishing school. So instead, I'm going to go see my professor and tell him. "Well I need to try something different so I figure I'd go to you now about lab instead of struggling on my own. My other classes also require even more time. Fucking A, as if 2 hours of studying a night isn't enough. Well when I can...I procrastinate which is once again my fault. *sighs* well the only thing to do now is to try something different. Cause life ain't going to get easier or better by being mopey. It's cool that instead of feeling defeated I feel invigorated. The mopeness passed on with the next!

Lol,  that actually has nothing whatsoever to do with this journal. I love how friends can just make  u happy. Like just knowing that my friends care about me, brings such a huge smile to my face. So today I had off and was looking at all these things for college. I am so freaking excited for this. I am sick and tired of yardley PA. Time to expand my horizons. The summer thus far has been nice and quiet. No huge drama or anything which is always a relief, and the crap that has happened, I've learned to take it all with a grain of salt. Today my family was on my butt about my grades. Because of chem I didnt do so great this semester, my  G.P.A dropped >.<. However! I have vowed to do better next semester when I go to del val. anyway I'm really tired, but I found something interesting when signing on. Sarah  ur right,  the stars do seem to know exactley what's going on. Freaky!

Ouch.
That basically sums up how I've been feeling lately. My grandma recupperating from surgery, fighting with my aunt and mom. Then most pathetically pinning over a guy. I'm letting this "situation" with me and Tony become an obsession, and it's pissing of everybody. Especially Amanda, who scolded me, not that I didnt deserve it. I have to go to my friends annual holiday party, but I also have the opportunity to see Tony and possibly see his band play. I want to see him, I'm not going to deny that, but I can't miss the party. I've been a huge downer lately, I've been so preoccupied with all of the bad shit that has happened lately I just can't get myslef in a good mood. I know I'm bothering my friends with all of this crap, and how I keep repeating myself about it. But when will this shit end?! No one likes to be around depressing people, I understand that, but when your in a bad mood, ur in a bad mood, u have to just let it take its course. Anyway thats my rant

I really should be doing work right now...or I should be watching my friend Mike's Jazz concert. But...I'm not instead I'm bullshitting with Mark in the library. Sometimes you just can't concentrate. And I can't push myself to do any more work. 
But..I can't wait for this semester to be over! I want to be able to relax again.

This was one of the dumbest things I have allowed myself to do.