I was just skimming facebook and saw that most of the people that I knew from my childhood, who went to my middle school all went to Ivy League schools, or in the very least prestiges ones. It had me thinking, how bad the pressure on them must have been. Growing up in that environment, well it's a lot like Gossip Girl. You have to look right, talk right, act right. You are expected to get into the best schools, drive the expensive cars, live a life of wealth and some power. The revelation is, the groundwork was pressed into me as well. Though Del Val, isn't as well known as many schools, it is without a doubt a great school. A school that I feel safe in, and continue to grow in. I wont let myself get down by the fact that they are in these prestigous school. Because who knows if they are in fact truly happy. Who can be the judge of that. As for myself, who cares if I didn't get into NYU or Cornell or Harvard. I have accomplished a huge goal in my own right. The fact that I am here today writing in this journal is proof of that. In short, I guess the only reason for writing this late at night when I have to get up in five hours is to just tell myself. I'm doing just fine. 

Apparently the amount of work that I'm putting in is not enough. Nor is my study method. I have to try something different, and study smarter, or else I just may as well quit school and sign up for a life of dead end jobs. I know that it is partly my fault for why my grades are. but G-d Damn't!! I hate this. It was unnerving just how accurate he was about my own self defeat cycle. I fear the un-pending doom of my grades and freak out. Then scramble to pick up the pieces and try to hold it all together. This has never been healthy, but at least I was able to keep up a 3.0 average. Well here that's not the case. The classes are only going to become more and more difficult. And Bio is just the beginning, then I have genetics, ecology, stats for reseasrch, anatomy and phys. I mean, jeezus! Sciences are one of The hardest majors so of course I pick it. "slams head into wall". As disappointed as I am in my grades, I can't give up. There is no future for me by not finishing school. So instead, I'm going to go see my professor and tell him. "Well I need to try something different so I figure I'd go to you now about lab instead of struggling on my own. My other classes also require even more time. Fucking A, as if 2 hours of studying a night isn't enough. Well when I can...I procrastinate which is once again my fault. *sighs* well the only thing to do now is to try something different. Cause life ain't going to get easier or better by being mopey. It's cool that instead of feeling defeated I feel invigorated. The mopeness passed on with the next!

Lol,  that actually has nothing whatsoever to do with this journal. I love how friends can just make  u happy. Like just knowing that my friends care about me, brings such a huge smile to my face. So today I had off and was looking at all these things for college. I am so freaking excited for this. I am sick and tired of yardley PA. Time to expand my horizons. The summer thus far has been nice and quiet. No huge drama or anything which is always a relief, and the crap that has happened, I've learned to take it all with a grain of salt. Today my family was on my butt about my grades. Because of chem I didnt do so great this semester, my  G.P.A dropped >.<. However! I have vowed to do better next semester when I go to del val. anyway I'm really tired, but I found something interesting when signing on. Sarah  ur right,  the stars do seem to know exactley what's going on. Freaky!

Ouch.
That basically sums up how I've been feeling lately. My grandma recupperating from surgery, fighting with my aunt and mom. Then most pathetically pinning over a guy. I'm letting this "situation" with me and Tony become an obsession, and it's pissing of everybody. Especially Amanda, who scolded me, not that I didnt deserve it. I have to go to my friends annual holiday party, but I also have the opportunity to see Tony and possibly see his band play. I want to see him, I'm not going to deny that, but I can't miss the party. I've been a huge downer lately, I've been so preoccupied with all of the bad shit that has happened lately I just can't get myslef in a good mood. I know I'm bothering my friends with all of this crap, and how I keep repeating myself about it. But when will this shit end?! No one likes to be around depressing people, I understand that, but when your in a bad mood, ur in a bad mood, u have to just let it take its course. Anyway thats my rant

I really should be doing work right now...or I should be watching my friend Mike's Jazz concert. But...I'm not instead I'm bullshitting with Mark in the library. Sometimes you just can't concentrate. And I can't push myself to do any more work. 
But..I can't wait for this semester to be over! I want to be able to relax again.

This was one of the dumbest things I have allowed myself to do.

I broke up with Matt this morning. We got into a fight last night, even though were on a break. And he finally confessed what he's been feeling. He's tired of my anxiety and my worrying...he's tired of me. I can understand, since being in this relationship my anxiety has increased, and I believe my depression has gotten worse over the past month. Relationship's are supposed to make a person feel good right? Your supposed to want to spend time with the other person, not avoid them. It's just not the right time for me to be in a relationship. I'm glad that I've had the experience, god am I glad. I know what it's like to be a loved girlfriend. He treated me soo well, he did everything he could do to make me happy. However, it felt sometimes as if he was seeking solace in me, like I was some kinda mother figure....I always had to take care of him, and I understand that is part of what a relationship is, taking care of the other person. So then why did he never take care of me? I mean, he comforted me when I was upset, but he never helped me solve the actual problem, it was as though it wasnt such a big deal to him. I think taht after all this I've realized I'm not ready for a relationship, I need to grow more as an individual before taking one on again. But it's good that I have this a shot. He'll still be my friend, because in reality it is his friendship that I have yearned for all this time. I dont know, but I feel somewhat light inside right now...I feel free.

*Takes deep breath and SCREAMS*

OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!

I have just realized exactly how much work i need to accomplish within the next month. And it's a lot!! A ten page research paper, passing the chemistry placement exam, figuring out how NOT to be nervous when giving speeches, acing my speech final, and doing REALLY well in Women's lit, not to mention my other classes. OH MY GOD!!! *Runs around in circles w/ ipod (god I love this thing)* Okay, so if anyone reads this, please, some words of wisdom would be helpful. Yes, I understand that if I work diligently everyday then it will be fine. But for gods sake, does anyone really have that kind of work ethic. *Inhales, exhales, Inhales, exhales* it is no longer a matter of not wanting to do this or being lazy. In order to feel any accomplishment, in order to be able to be successful at del val I must figure out how to do this. These are just challenges on the road to my future...right?

That reminds me....I got my official acceptance letter to Del Val. And....I got an annual $8,000 scholarship! I am so unbelievably relieved and scared. My work has finally paid of. Now I can keep moving forward.

Oh my god....

I had no idea that writing a blog could do such damage. I am sooooo sorry to all of those who read my Nana blog. If it's any consilation I'm scarred for life at the damage I caused...

Sorry...

I'm procrasinating and it's going to kick me in the ass. I have to write/edit 3 essays, study for chem, finish a novel, and basically just work my ass of on each and every subject for my classes. But I don't wanna, I just want to relax and sit and do nothing. However knowing me I wont be able to do that until I get a fair portion of my work done. *sigh* what's a girl to do. Oh! Matt and I celebrated our 4 month yesterday. It was so fun, even though it started out lame. We went to see a movie that was so bad we left early. So we just went back to his place and snuggled and hungout. It was just what I needed. It reaffirmed how much I love him and he loves me. I know that sounds waaaaaaaaaayyyy too much but we were friends for 3 years before we went out. So technically there was love already there.

Hey people,
Well yesterday my dad came to visit me and all i can say is thank god. See I had a minor stroke yesterday and if my dad hadnt rushed me to the hospital, well, I certainly wouldnt be updating my lj thats for sure. O! a word of advice, when ur nauseus, don't take antinausea medicine!!! It is much better to just wait it out. Especially if you are in a rush to get better. So anyway a big shout out of thanks to St. Mary's hospital staff. They were Amazing to me in there! I feel much better today, better than i have in a whole week. Also, my mom came up to PA as well, she dragged my little brother and sister with her. Of course Jessica had a shit fest and freaked out. She ran away for the better part of 3 whole fucking hours. When she got back she went on a tirade of how horrible my mother is for making her come to PA to see her sister. Blah blah blah. SO my uncle jumped in (big surprise) and told her to Shut the fuck up. After 2 hours the ordeal was dealt with and the rest of the night went on. Meaning they all went to sleep because it was 2:00 am. I woke up today feeling okay but not great. Pleaded with my mommy not to leave me, which worked, she stayed foruan extra hour. Went back to sleep and woke up feeling much better. Im not 100% yet but im definetly getting there. There's the update. SO for once my parents really really helped me out instead of making it worse.