dramachan

Vampires, boys, and bad advice

2009-03-11T01:08:13Z

When I focus on me great things come, when I focus on him nothing comes. So just focus on me right? I'm happy that I'm doing better, I am grateful that I've been given the opportunity to heal and grow. I know that my heart is still bruised but soon the bruising will heal and I'll be whole again. I want to say that I know I'll be happier without him, but right now I'm still bruised and angry. I want to be happy and nonchalant towards Matt, towards all of this. Just get me there, just get me to the end of the healing and I'll soar brave and happy. John, Josh, they are both still so jaded about their past loves. They both want the women they loved to be miserable, to have empty lives without them. I can understand that and sympathize with them, but that doesn't mean that I agree with the advice they give me. Never ever take them back, they are bastards who don't deserve you! I don't know what I'm going to decide to do about Matt, I don't need to worry about it now so why bother. I'm just going to focus on me and my future and my life. I'm 22 I have my whole life ahead of me, so what is there not to be excited about?

Okay, so here's the deal. I will be in an incredible internship for a year after I graduate. I'll be making $36,000 to $40,000 in my first year after college which is fucking amazing! I will be one of the best writers world known. Either in television, reporting, copy writing whatever. The digital age is here and that's where my head needs to be. That being said, I have to plow to my future full speed ahead, not concerned about Matt. That's hard and that's human, but I need to keep my head in the game. I need to remember what I want for ME. Living my life for me. There is only one life I have in this lifetime, I want it to be the best one possible, thus this is what I have to do for it to be incredible.

I will be okay, I will soar. I want the universe to know that I am grateful for being able to be effective in life. In my life, being able to take care of myself is a big deal and I'm very grateful for that. I wan tthe universe to know that I am grateful to be able to take care of myself and not have to worry about taking care of Manda and Matt, of putting the spotlight on me and focusing on me. That is amazing and special and wonderful. They were vampires taking everything and anything they could from me and it hurts. It hurts that they were both emotionally abusive.

Vampires and Letters

2009-03-06T06:10:24Z

"Find balance in the midst of a storm,"

Wednesday, Mar 4th, 2009 -- Today you may have the chance to express yourself in a variety of ways, yet once you get started you realize that it's more complicated than you anticipated. Nevertheless, it's still a bad idea to withdraw at this time. You may not be able to see the immediate impact of what you're doing, but it will make a lot more sense as time moves on. Don't over-analyze what's happening; for now you really don't need to know all the details.

Vampires were in a sense created by people. They are people, there are differently human vampires. People who seem to put another under a hypnotic spell. Sucking the very essence of that person out of them using them, manipulating them. Taking and taking, like taking their blood, their lives. Making that person feel the need to continuously give, because so long as they give, the one they want will stay in their lives. Vampires use their beauty, coyness, manipulation to take and escape before being caught, or if they are caught, the damage to the victim is already done. They are so loved by the ones who feed them, put on a pedestal if you will, but they are not good for their victims, they continue to take and think of only themselves. If one should have an incling of a concious, then they will then throw the victim a bone, perhaps free them, or stay with them to keep feeding their own needs, yet telling themselves its for the good of the victim. How would the victim live without them in their lives. This is a totally new take on the situation with Matt, with even Manda. They are human vampires. They were sucking the life out of me, him especially. It all makes sense now! Fuck, Matt even looks like a vampire. He's got the black hair, pale blue eyes, pale skin. He could be a vampire, taking and taking and taking from me all the time. I wished for a click to go of, for me to have that Ah-Ha moment where I would finally be able to undertand and it happened today in Creative Writing. When Bryan brought up the vampires, I had that Ah-Ha moment. It all makes sense to me, he is a vampire. He has the meaningless bullshit in his life, he is all about himself and takes and takes whatever he can get without having to give back to anyone. He takes the sex, the booze, he takes the bullshit because it all fills him up, and he has to give nothing back. He has become a fucking Vampire! You were literally sucking the life out of me! My love, my heart, my self-respect, my trust, my dignity, my morals, my standards for what a partner should be. I made excuses, and continued the uneven balance because I felt the need to give to you. If I gave I would be loved by you, and that's not how love should be at all. Your a vampire in the truest sense of the meaning. I love vampires, they are sexy, fun, dangerous, and enchanting. You can love them so much, but at the end of the day, they are still living of of you. They are still taking your energy and your love and giving nothing back but pain and emptiness. You took the Sam out of Samantha, and I let you, I was under a fucking spell that I cast on myself. It's as though the spell the enchantment, the glamour, what have you, has been lifted from my eyes. There is no epitomy of happiness with this statement, it's still tinged with sadness. Because I do love you, and youe are just NOT GOOD FOR ME AT ALL!! You once said that she is the female version of you, and I didn't want to believe it, but it IS TRUE! She is the female version of you, she is an empty sucking slut who continues to take and gives nothing back but anguish and heartache and self-doubt to the victim. You have become the male version of Kristen, and that make me cry. It's so sad, that this is who you've become, so empty and fucked up and unable to give back to the people that love you. A cold blood sucking vampire, and I still love you even though you were terrible, are terrible. You are all about you, taking form everyone else, and what is it that you hope for. Contenment, fufillment from this empty existence that you seek life from? When you look in the mirror, do you see anything that resembles who you used to be. Again, like a fucking vampire, because they are EMPTY inside, that's why they didn't see anything, because all they are is bits of the victims that they've had. All the women you sleep with, empty fuck after empty fuck, it's like feeding off their energy to give you some sense of satisfaction, being able to be full for that instant, like being full of someone's blood. It's when you get drunk, and are lost in the moment, that's all vampires have. Fleeting moments of a shadow of life, life that they can never truly have or have again. They have become shells, shadows of the humans they once were. The image of a person once loved so dearly and trusted with hearts and hopes for the future and dreams. Now, nothing, that's what you've become, a nothing. You feel it too, deep inside don't you vampire. You hate yourself because, this is what you became by choice. And too late you look back at the chaos and destruction you've caused and wish to G-d that you could be the person your victims fantisized that you were. The glamour is gone, and with this I can see, you what I love, were so fucking awful for me and to me. Look at Floppie, time and time again he gave her money, time, patience, love, understand and warmth. And she just glamoured him, told him what he wanted to here, took it all and in reality gave nothing back but heartache and disspointment. All you gave back to me was heartache and dissapointment. Why the fuck would I want to see you? You who took and took from me, what made me myself, you who hurt me time and time again, all for your fucking thrill. I was so in love and blinded, I was completly under a spell, a lie that I told myself. That if I just kept giving, you would open your eyes and see me and that would be enough and I would recieve what I gave back to you. That's never going to happen though, you as you are, will never be able to be there for anyone but yourself you fucking blood sucker. If even your friends back home are telling me that I'm better of without you, that yeah I'm weak now because I was in love, but you are an asshole and I bring more to the table then you, what the fuck does that say. Do you believe the bullshit that they give you on facebook while your away. Do your honestly believe that the wiggle room you've been granted because your overseas is going to be here when you give back. That your boys will give you their friendships again so that you can just continue to take from them, becuase, hell, as long as your happy that's all that matters. How absolutely pathetic, how empty are you that you are satisfied with that. I'm so much more, I'm so much stronger, and I have fucking shields to defend me from you and all that you represent. There is no bliss from this epitamy, there is no anguish. It's a mixture of happy and sad, yin and yang. A balance, look at that I've found balance from all this. From heartbreak, from you and all that you gave.

If I am willing to let go of the ego of the past, of how you humiltated me, made me think that it was my fault and I wasn't enough. None of that is true, and yes I never thought that you would leave me. I always believed that if anything, I would leave you, because you love me so much that you would never hurt me. Not only are you capable of hurting me, you DID hurt me. You did the worst thing in the world, knowing how it would devastate me, and you didn't care. Or you were so caught up in yourself, that you only cared about how you felt, what happened to you. Well congratulations, becuase now you are without me. Whatever is meant to happen will happen, I can't protect you from what is to come, nor stop what is to come to me. I will grow and learn and become stronger from all this. I will change and evolve into the woman I was meant to be. You vampire, cannot have my heart or energy anymore. I was feeding you, giving you so much and you gave nothing in return. For what, to be humilated, heartbroken, dissapointed. To have to remember your empty promises, the friendship we had in high school and how that blossomed into a greater love then I could ever imagine. Here's the thing, that was love, without me taking the best of it. Of having someone take care of you when your sick, of having your best friend as your lover, I did have, but I was always so afraid to be hurt I tried to keep you at arms length to no avail. So again, I need to say it clear, I forgive you. Not for your sake, but for my own, so that I can be free and move on with my life. I'm able to breathe clear, I am forced to see the logic, although how that logic came back to vampires...meh...it's me ^.^.

So indeed you were my personal vampire, taking from me my life and love. So I will fly away and stop the pain that you caused. Three months not a word, not a whisper or glance from you. Fucking asshole! Fucking, fucking, fucking douchebag not worth my time asshole!
The reason I am able to compare you to vampires, is because I love vampires. They are sexy, dangerous, seductive, lethal, powerful and evil. They are completely taboo, thus they are amazing to me because the thought that something, that someone can be that selfish, that self-serving is inconcievable to me. Yet they exist, and in their empty shallow hearts the find happniess and contement. They will be damned to hell, they have no real friendships or relationships, no depth to any meaning at all besides the momen, the lust, the material satisfaction. They are beautiful and cunning and manipultative and you want to love them, you want them to love you. If they love you it means that you are special, so special that something that disgusting loves you so much, enough to change for you. In the end though, they wont change, at the end of the day, they are still a monster and you a victim. For as long as you allow them to hold you in a spell, in glamour, then you will be feeding them. I am able to compare you to a vampire now because something that I love, something exciting and dangerous and sexy is fun. But I don't want just fun, I want depth, meaning, sincerety, loyalty, compassion, love, and so much more. I want more than just a monster who can make me feel special when he decides to be nice to me. You weren't like this before, but you were turned, you turned into a vampire. You go of with your whore, you go of with your bullshit and lies. In the end, I will be the victor, I will be free and wonderful and whole. While you will be the shell of the vampire the empty and lonely husk of the man I once loved. If anything good I have such inspiration now!

Letters to all

2009-03-04T03:22:53Z

Dear Universe,

I just wanted to say thank you for all that you are doing for me. For helping me see that I am strong and whole. For allowing me this chance to love myself and learn who I am. I am grateful for my family and friends. For the education I've been given and will continue to learn. Both in acaemia and in life and in love. I know that I am impatient, and I wish to know all, I wish to understand what has happened and why I had to fall. I am glad to know that I am learning everyday, that it's not easy and it's because I struggle so hard against myself that I am the reason I am not happy yet. I have to be grateful for the life I've been granted, of this journey I've discovered. I am so happy and grateful that I can be me, a me without him. She's wonderful and brillant and smart and has so much love to give. I am grateful to know that I'll be alright, that I do not have to worry or think about him.

Hi Cali,

So...I've basically been scolded, lectured and yelled at by everyone in my life. I get that they love me and are frustrated for my sake. That they just want me to be whole, and honestly that's what I wish as well. So why the heck do I still worry about him and think about him so much. I've heard that a lot of his friends are acting like nothing's wrong now, that it's all fine etc. I guess I'm dissapointed to hear that. I was wishing that he would have to face what he has done not only to me but to everyone.

I honestly feel inlined with the universe when I wish for things for myself and take care of myself. I wont let him or anyone else stop me from living my life but am I doing that right? I

Hi Cali,

I've been thinking alot about what you said, that I can't stop him from living my life. That I have to just Do It already, even the consuler at school yelled at me as well. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to just get to that point where I can say "oaky, I understand all of this now and I'm happy and whole without him."

Friends of mine who do know him, who have talked to him told me that he isn't thinking of me at all, that he's completly wrapped up into himself. I just want to kow if I'm doing anything right at all???

I've also been told that a lot of his friends, from the look at facebook at least are acting like everything is fine and no one is mad or anything. That it's been all swept under the rug. I guess I'm dissappointed, becaues I was hoping that he would have to face what he's done not only to me, but to the friends he's hurt.

I feel in-lined with the universe when I'm taking care of me. When I'm focusing on me and not worrying about him at all. When I put myself first and foremost, when I take care of what I need to get done. This is what I'm supposed to do. What EVERYONE has said to do from the start, put the spot light on me and do what I need to do for me. I have no control over what happens to him or what he does. I have no say in it, no matter how much I worry or concern myself. Even John is saying it to me, yet again, he's lost in himself. All he cares and thinks about is him. All that matters to him is how he feels and what he's doing for him. I am not even in mind, it's all about what Matt can do for Matt. Congratulations fucktard, I'm so fucking proud of you, that your still putting yourself as the priority. I say it, my friends and family say it as well. I'm ten times the woman she could ever hope to be. I'm ten times more than you could ever hope to be. I have so much love and support from all my friends and family. I know that they mean well when they push me forward, push me upwards and onwards with my life. I really do wish the best for John, I wish that he moves on with his life, maybe this girl is the answer to that, who the fuck knows? I doubt it, I think that she's using him so that she doesnt' have to deal with her own fucking divorce. Whatever, it's been since last Friday, and he's going on about how when they step in a room, even with her husband, they assume that he's with her and not the other way around...again, FOCUSING ON ME. I do feel better when I'm taking care of myself, when I'm holding onto myself and putting MY needs and MY wishes first. I hit that low when I realized what I've lost, okay...well here I am. Still alive, doing better, I don't think that I can talk to John so much about it, because he's so caught up in the joy that he and Kim share.

Right so BACK ON TO ME.

blogthings thinks I can do it,

2009-02-12T23:12:52Z

You Can Change Your Life, But It Won't Be Easy

You really, truly want to change. You're just not sure that you can do it.
You need a solid plan, supportive friends, and a strong will.
Think about times you've made hard changes, and what you did to get through them.
A change is in your future - you just need a little help getting started.

What do you see, who do you see

2008-08-17T00:12:37Z

What do you see when you look at me
A smile, tears, beauty or needy
Do you see what I want to portray
or the hidden girl who I keep far away
what is that drives you to want to come near
again and again, as though your unclear
if you had me once and discarded me
what makes you want to come back
what do you see when you look at me
I wonder and stare at these haunting eyes
trying to convince myself that it will all be alright
I don't want to hurt you nor be hurt again
but when I look at you I see that person
the one who you try to ignore, the jerk, the asshole
the small boy in the corner
I look at you and see who you are
and I smile kindly because I know what you want
and now that she is still very far
And yet I have to wonder still
if it is me that your searching for, or someone to make
time stand still

Where roads lead us

2008-02-14T06:56:06Z

I was just skimming facebook and saw that most of the people that I knew from my childhood, who went to my middle school all went to Ivy League schools, or in the very least prestiges ones. It had me thinking, how bad the pressure on them must have been. Growing up in that environment, well it's a lot like Gossip Girl. You have to look right, talk right, act right. You are expected to get into the best schools, drive the expensive cars, live a life of wealth and some power. The revelation is, the groundwork was pressed into me as well. Though Del Val, isn't as well known as many schools, it is without a doubt a great school. A school that I feel safe in, and continue to grow in. I wont let myself get down by the fact that they are in these prestigous school. Because who knows if they are in fact truly happy. Who can be the judge of that. As for myself, who cares if I didn't get into NYU or Cornell or Harvard. I have accomplished a huge goal in my own right. The fact that I am here today writing in this journal is proof of that. In short, I guess the only reason for writing this late at night when I have to get up in five hours is to just tell myself. I'm doing just fine.

Rainy day ephinay

2007-11-13T14:58:55Z

Apparently the amount of work that I'm putting in is not enough. Nor is my study method. I have to try something different, and study smarter, or else I just may as well quit school and sign up for a life of dead end jobs. I know that it is partly my fault for why my grades are. but G-d Damn't!! I hate this. It was unnerving just how accurate he was about my own self defeat cycle. I fear the un-pending doom of my grades and freak out. Then scramble to pick up the pieces and try to hold it all together. This has never been healthy, but at least I was able to keep up a 3.0 average. Well here that's not the case. The classes are only going to become more and more difficult. And Bio is just the beginning, then I have genetics, ecology, stats for reseasrch, anatomy and phys. I mean, jeezus! Sciences are one of The hardest majors so of course I pick it. "slams head into wall". As disappointed as I am in my grades, I can't give up. There is no future for me by not finishing school. So instead, I'm going to go see my professor and tell him. "Well I need to try something different so I figure I'd go to you now about lab instead of struggling on my own. My other classes also require even more time. Fucking A, as if 2 hours of studying a night isn't enough. Well when I can...I procrastinate which is once again my fault. *sighs* well the only thing to do now is to try something different. Cause life ain't going to get easier or better by being mopey. It's cool that instead of feeling defeated I feel invigorated. The mopeness passed on with the next!

Blog before the tests

2007-10-30T22:21:51Z

Yeahness! I feel more comfortable with the information on my upcoming tests then I did for the last ones. I have gone to see my proffessor 4 times, yes 4TIMES for this upcoming exam. And he gets my learning style *big thumbs up*. I'm still anxious about them because they are on my two most difficult subjects. But! At least my proff's know that I'm trying my hardest, which is something! I swear to god I will pass those classes tomorrow *cue the fire standing and the glassy eyed anime character* In other news, my mother took back her boyfriend a few months ago and has been in bliss since. I really didn't think that this would happen.She was so pissed of at him and hurt . But Andy has one my mother's heart once again, and thus, they are moving in together. yeahh? I really don't know how to feel about this. Yes I'm happy for my mom, but, well, it's weird. At the house my dad share's with his gf I can't be myself, let alone it is Great Neck, but at least I felt comfortable with my dad. Now, it's so...beige, seriously that woman decorated her house completly mono tone. Now my Mom is doing the same thing. I feel more comfortable with Andy, then I do with Debbie (dad's gf) mostly because he doesn't look a thing like my father, while Debbie is a SCARY and yes I mean SCARY likeness to my Mom. So they are going to be selling my childhood hell hole a.k.a the house I grew up and found a really nice house ont he other side of town. I think I even get my own room, which will be nice. My brother is okay with the whole thing, he just wants our Mother to be happy. He's basically had to take care of her the past oh say five years. Supporting her, being there for her, having to act vastly mature past his age. Jacob's a great kid ^.^. Overall things are finally getting better at DVC. I have to study a lot everyday to keep up, but that's college I guess. It does suck though, the guy who I kinda liked (manda don't you dare tell matt!) turned out to be just like...Jeff Chemji. Enough said right there. He's not As big of a man-whore, mostly due to his friends kicking his ass after he tried something with me, and a different girl the same night. *shakes head* stupid stupid boy. I'm so happy I got out of that without a scratch. I knew what he was about and he was DeNied. hahaha. As for Matt, damn him just damn him. I don't miss him as severley, mostly because I'm keeping myself very busy. I don't know what the future holds for us, and to even go into that will just take way to long and really who the hell knows what's going to happen. It just, sucks, since whenever he calls me he acts all cute and sweet and romantic and my reaction is one of self-presevation. A.K.A I don't let him get into to much detail...he's single and he should be enjoying himself! He works all the time so he hasn't had a chance yet to really "go out" but apparently all of his friends who have gone out have had "good times" meaning they either had sex or made out with a Japanese girl. In all honesty. I would prefer if he did that. This is his life, and I don't want to be a reason that he holds back. *sighs* love really is best described in a Jane Austin novel.

Turn back time

2007-09-22T02:48:56Z

So I am without a doubt an IDIOT! Without realizing it I took advantage of my my best friend, fucked up something with Keagan, aka i told him that I'm starting to like him. Then like an IDIOT I talked about this with...his ex. Whom by the way is head over heals in love with another man. But Keagan is like her best friend, so of course she is going to be protective and a bit jealous. Totally understandable, but she was accusing me of judging him, and I don't know him very well, so I'm wrong. Well she is probably right about that. I don't know him very well, and I would rather be friends first and then date, because hello that is the best way to go about it. I don' t know. I think I just sabatogaged it. I hope I didn't because it would suck, really really suck because I want to get to know him better and be cool with him. So yeah that sucks as. Then there is the whole thing with Tristan. I invited him to come visit me, and then when he did I asked for his help with my computer. The poor guy felt taken advantage of, and like he had gone out of his way to help me, but I wasn't appreciative enough. I asked him to help me with two things, and have been going to him for emotional support during this time of change. I can understand why he would be angry, so yet again another problem. The thing with Alyssa, not a big deal, the girl is a true aquarius, aka, she is acting could and distant. But she has been completely honest about everything so that is good. I have to ride things out I know, but I really don't want to get hurt by him. I think he could, even if he didn't mean to. So I'm just going to see how things go. However, today sucked because of all these things. If I could I would turn back time and go back three days and do this all over again. I wouldn't take advantage of Tristan, I would make sure that he was happy and welcomed and didn't get lost in Jersey on his way home. I would Not tell Kegan anything, I would keep it too myself. And I would be in my room when Matt called so I could get his freaking phone call. I cried because I missed it last night, and this is the second one! I wish I could talk to him. I just want to know if he is okay.

It's good that he's back

2007-09-19T03:14:42Z

It's so good to know that someone has your back. Someone who you can trust and trusts you. I had missed that in Tristan. When he and manda started going out, I was afraid to continue talking to him. She gets jealous and I didn't want the same thing to happen that happened with Josh. So I finally got to a root of my problem here. I feel as though if I move forward, like meet new guys and make close friends I'm betraying Manda and Matt. But that's not the case, they are moving ahead, and so should I. Just because I didn't go all the way to Japan doesn't mean that I don't deserve the same thing. And more to the point, I'm at a new school, and the opportunities are endless. I've been so busy feeling guilty for going forward I was hindering myself. And then I get pissed for not going forward. leading to...just a bad combination. So I'm not going to do that to myself. I'm going to let myself embrace everything here. I still have my old friends, and they have me. It doesn't mean that I can't make new ones. As for guys, M and I aren't even together. We broke up, and I don't have to decide that I'm like going to spend the rest of my life with him or anything. I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to betray him. But if we are not together then how can I betray him? Should a guy come into my life then fine. But I wont dispell it just because of him. He doesn't want that for me anyway. Yeahness, maybe tonight I can finally get a good night sleep.

Time is strange

2007-09-06T15:30:34Z

You know how when you get older and time seems to zip on through. Months go by in a week, days within hours? Time right now is kinda...wobbly. It's not even been a week since he left, but it feels much longer then that. The thing is, I'm not wigging out, or obsessing. At least not too much. I'm still making myself go out of the dorm all the time and talk to people. I'm becoming better friends with my roomate and suitemates. I'm making friends. School seems as though it could easily overwhelm me if I don't keep up with all my work. But hey, that would also be a great way to keep preoccupied right? The classes that look thus far as though they can overwhelm me are...Animal Lab, Bio lab and Lect. and maybe math. The math isn't completly confunding, I know I can get it. (Katz I <3 u always for giving me more confidence in that). It's just, I miss him, a lot. It was so weird, after a nine month seperation within a half an hour it was like we had never been apart. I had forgotten, and yes it was kinda forced, how...happy I feel when I'm with him. I can completly be myself, no reserves or anything, not that he would let me anyway. Whenever I try to close myself off, he nudges till I spill my guts. It's unerving! Damn't this wasn't supposed to happen. In high school, he was the one pinning and in love with me. So when did it become mutual? Im glad it did, a little, but it's so frustrating. Why is it that it seems something is always pulling us apart. Literally? I guess it's a sign that we shouldn't be together, yet. W/e school is good, life is not in caos, and I am making more friends everyday, and pushing myself. I'm being strong. Which is what I promised both of them.

Fabulous to Frog

2007-07-21T06:57:03Z

Yesterday was one of the most fantastic days I have had all summer! I went to the beach with Amweg, Janna, and Manda. We went to Pt. Pleasant beach, after having a pancake breakfast at Amweg's home. Of course on the way there we got lost twice, but the ride was so much fun! We listened to such fantastic music, all from the 90's lol. When we got to the beach the water was COLD, but we still went in and just swam in the ocean. I felt somewhat at peace, I missed him, and manda saw it on my face. Damn for having a bff who can read you like a book. So we sat on the beach and sun bathed and gossiped. I must have a mis construed view on my body. I thought I was somewhat ok, ehhhhh wrong! I definetly need to lose the 20+ lbs. I've already lost five, I just need to keep eating better and walking brinks. On the boardwalk there is a physic, and I really really wanted to go. So of course I did. The woman told me I have my own physic capabilities, like an empath, I can sense other people's emotions which is true, it alway's has been. She also was able to see that I have two gaurdian angels, a male and a female. I have a very long life line and will live a happy prosporous life. Then it got freaky. She said I have a seperated love, I said yes the man I love is in the Marines, she said that he's gone now and i said yes, he's in Virgina and will be gone for four years. She shook her head no. He will be gone for less time then that, I asked if he was going to get hurt, she said i have to believe that he will be ok, he's going to hurt his leg or knee, but he will return. He has a good soul, and a good heart. This year I will meet a new man. It will start as a friendship and delelop into more. I will be confused and wonder how I can have two soulmates. But I am destined for the one I have already loved. WEIRD. Then she told me I need to get hematite stone the deflects negative energy and a book for regulating chakra. All the negative energy from my friends, its just making things more confusing and harder. Everything in my life is ok, its going in the right direction. it's going to be ok.

The universe is trying to tell me something. When he comes back, for a break, I leave the next day. When it is stated tha he is my soulmate, I find out that he's going to be gone for two years. Yes, Matt's dream has come true, he's going to Japan. FOR TWO YEARS! I swear, I honestly don't know if he's going to want to come back to the states. I am happy that his dream is coming true, he has always wanted to go to Japan, he loves everything about it. The technology, the food, the women, the women the otaku culture and once again women. This is a Big Big omen. We cannot be together. Who knows if we should ever be together again. I am happy that he's not in Iraq. At least he'll be safe. Thank god for that. Only one thing right now is certain. We are going in different places in our lives. Maybe we will be together again, who knows. All I know right now is that I love him and he loves me. Mike and Aunt Jill were right, all my friends were right nothing good can come from this. We are both going to get hurt. Or...perhaps we are destined to be. Who knows.

Dashing of into new horizons

2007-07-14T04:14:45Z

Holy Moly,
The past couple of weeks have been non-stop college geared. I got all, or at least most of my stuff for my dorm room, thanks to the help of my dear Janna and a Very intersting saleswoman who mad the entire thing very funny. And I must give myself a pat on the back. I have discvoered a way to makes sure my father doesn't fuck me over with the money. I ordered all the stuff and put it into a registery to be picked up at the store closest to my school. 1) My dad whips out the credit card on spot and 2) he'll be emotional and sentimental so he wont say shit about how much it all costs. *Dances*. Yesterday I got my dorm, which is put in the brochure as the best dorm at the school ^_^. It costs more, but, it is the only substance free dorm at the college, and yes I am a loser and feel more comfortable with that. Thankfully my father has one self-destructing daughter and relises in the fact that I am not Jessica. My roomate looks very nice. She looks liks eomeone I would hangout with with my own friends. I mean, she is part of the Original Power Rangers were the best club, SWEET. And of all ironies, she's from Long Island New York. How weird is that. She's from the area where I grew up in?
I am nervous, but it's being overcome, at least now and hopefully will stay that way by my excitement. I cannot wait to move forward in my love. And I will work my ass of in the school for the grades, buts more importantly, to make this an amazing expirence. I want to be happy and have fun their, I want to grow and change, (at least a little bit.) Yes I'm nervous, but isn't that to be expected?

Swish goes the wind

2007-06-23T04:22:26Z

Lol, that actually has nothing whatsoever to do with this journal. I love how friends can just make u happy. Like just knowing that my friends care about me, brings such a huge smile to my face. So today I had off and was looking at all these things for college. I am so freaking excited for this. I am sick and tired of yardley PA. Time to expand my horizons. The summer thus far has been nice and quiet. No huge drama or anything which is always a relief, and the crap that has happened, I've learned to take it all with a grain of salt. Today my family was on my butt about my grades. Because of chem I didnt do so great this semester, my G.P.A dropped >.<. However! I have vowed to do better next semester when I go to del val. anyway I'm really tired, but I found something interesting when signing on. Sarah ur right, the stars do seem to know exactley what's going on. Freaky!

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)

You can be a champion of detachment, enabling you to live in the present moment or in the future. Now, however, you may uncharacteristically hold on to the past. Don't be resistant to revisiting your history in order to process unresolved feelings. Even if this trip down memory lane takes a few days or a few weeks, clearing the air will allow you to return unencumbered to be swept into the exciting whirlwind of what's to come.

Forget the past

2007-05-30T06:15:33Z

For whatever reason, I have been missing my ex. I know that I shouldn't, but I do. For a long time I believed that it was all my fault that we broke up. But after some time I remembered just how much of an ass he is and how he was never there for me. I think I miss him because I see so many of my friends in relationships and very happy in them. See, I never got the goodie romance stuff. I was never wooed, I've never been surprised by romantic gestures, or had any real romantic gestures from boyfriends. I want that! I want the guy who is going to put me first, the guy who will want to sweep me of my feet. I want to be able to rely on him and now that he's gonna be there for me! I'm tired of being some kind of mother figure to jerks! Like Jeremy and Don, oh my god, you will never find more insecure conceited assholes! And yet, they are my friends. Jeremy, isn't as bad a Don, since if I really needed him he would be there for me. However, he believes himself to be charming and funny and all he is is obnoxious and full of himself with bad social behavior. He's a joke at times and other times he's emo. I'm not going to get into the other people cause I really don't feel up to it. I'm tired. I'll write more later. Night!

dramachan @ 2007-02-11T20:57:00

2007-02-12T02:22:03Z

Sooo sleepy. And drained and tired. But I'm ok.
I've been kinda depressed this past week. I'm better now though, I got to see my new cousin Gabriella. She's so tiny! She's not even 3 months old yet. Babies seem to make everything better.I dont care what people say about how they can be accidents or what not. There is nothing like that feeling you get when a baby is crying when anyone else hold her and then when you do and they breath that sigh of relief, your heart melts. What I thought was going to be drama filled and bad wasnt. And that goes for two occassions. *sighs* On friday I went to see the band's concert. It was at sacred grounds, which yea does suck, since it's filled of possers. Lots and lots of emo punk possers. Well anyway, Don, Hope, Lexi and I went to T's and Brett's house before the show to hangout. I thought Brett looked really hott. But then of course when He walked in smelling that good all thoughts of Brett flew out the window. He looked and hott and smelled hott. Fuck! So I made the introductions and then we found out that T's sister and her boyfriend were coming, and Don's face lit up. So when Hope asked who she was I said that she was Don's ideal woman. Inject foot into mouth. But, really, it was instictual, especially considering how much Don idealizes her. And Hope was a little taken aback admittedly yes. But Don was furious. He ranted to a few people about how I almost fucked up his chances with Hope, how I had stabbed him in the back. Total freak out. Dude, calm the fuck down. We had a long talk over it and everything is cleared up, he apologized for overreacting and being a dick, and I apologized for saying something I know I shouldnt have. It does remind me of the situation with Drew and Lily, but there is a huge difference. Don actually told me that he was upset and we talked it over and we are fine. It took a long time for me and Lily to be okay again, Drew and I will never be trully ok with one another again. Anyway back to the concert. So I met Jen, she's gorgeous and sweet. T was physched to see her and we joked about it. So we get to the hall, and the girls and I hungout, Tara came over as well which was cool. Then when they went on, they kept arguing during the set. NOT GOOD. Tony was being a hog when it came to the spot light, no more so then usual so I've been told. Since this was my first concert seeing them. He was jumping into the crowed (his guitar is cordless), he was so out of control. It was unreal, he was like a completly different person. I did get a bit starry eyed when I saw him playing his guitar solo's but nothing to big. Then I saw my ex, interesting (it was jeff), and then I saw an old crush, again interesting. Alll in all it was a great night, Don and Hope are really cute together, I'm really glad that I pushed for them to be together.
One of the weirdest things that has been going on lately. I can't stop dreaming about T. Why can't my subconcious catch up with me? I'm over him, or at least mostly over him. I can't let myself linger on him, it wont do me, or anyone for that matter any good. What I need to focus on, is school. I have so much to do...it's starting to freak me out. On that note, gotta go do work.
peace

Hurt

2007-01-12T04:39:51Z

I cannot believe how hurt I am. He said to me that he didnt want me to believe that there was no chance for us. That he wanted to get to know me better as friends, and spend time with me. Yet in the past month there has been no hanging out, no real conversations, at least not the ones that I wish for. He has a girlfriend, yes it's official and more than that there was another girl that he was talking to when he and Ashley (the gf) were not a couple yet. He likes this other girl, a lot, he likes her so much that he called up Don and complained to him about how torn he was at 1:00 am. I'm in so much pain right now. I've called him and left messages. None of which were returned. Seeing him yesterday, after week of not talking or seeing him he IGNORED ME. He spoke to Don, and after band practice talked with his other friends, but there was no real effort on his part to speak to me. I feel like such a fucking moron. I should never have told him that I liked him, I should never have called him. I broke all of my rules and it got me no where. It seems that whenever I dont like a guy, he pursues me and then there "blah". But I pursued him and I got screwed over. I dont want this to be the end, although in my heart and mind I know that it wasnt going to go anywhere anyway. All it was going to do was hurt me. I may be a fool, I may have let myself believe a bit too much. When am I going to be able to get my timing right. It's never right, it's actually a big joke for everyone. I can laugh it of most of the time, but this time all I can do is cry. I know what this pic seems to look like, but really its just because looking at Zero makes me smile.

dramachan @ 2006-12-22T01:08:00

2006-12-22T06:17:25Z

Ouch.
That basically sums up how I've been feeling lately. My grandma recupperating from surgery, fighting with my aunt and mom. Then most pathetically pinning over a guy. I'm letting this "situation" with me and Tony become an obsession, and it's pissing of everybody. Especially Amanda, who scolded me, not that I didnt deserve it. I have to go to my friends annual holiday party, but I also have the opportunity to see Tony and possibly see his band play. I want to see him, I'm not going to deny that, but I can't miss the party. I've been a huge downer lately, I've been so preoccupied with all of the bad shit that has happened lately I just can't get myslef in a good mood. I know I'm bothering my friends with all of this crap, and how I keep repeating myself about it. But when will this shit end?! No one likes to be around depressing people, I understand that, but when your in a bad mood, ur in a bad mood, u have to just let it take its course. Anyway thats my rant

La de dah

2006-12-11T17:32:25Z

I really should be doing work right now...or I should be watching my friend Mike's Jazz concert. But...I'm not instead I'm bullshitting with Mark in the library. Sometimes you just can't concentrate. And I can't push myself to do any more work.
But..I can't wait for this semester to be over! I want to be able to relax again.

Mortification

2006-11-30T19:53:54Z

This was one of the dumbest things I have allowed myself to do.

1)Im sick, my voice is sore as hell and I sound like granite
2)Im on my period; emotional, bloated, and headache
3) DIDNT Practice my speech
4) Forgot my powerpoint
5) Didnt go in the correct order of my speech, which was going to kick ass and I worked really really really really hard on
6) Forgot my powerpoint
7) Listened to my mother and allowed myself to be intimadated by my proffessor, forcing myself to do something that was against my better judgment
Thus, I FUCKED UP MY SPEECH
Oh my god, it was HORRIBLE, it was the worst one anyone in the class has ever done. I've always been undecisive, allowing the "what if" and the unkown stand in the way of my decisions. If anything good has come out of this disaster it is that I have to follow my gut. But fucking hell, I cant believe this disaster, it was horrible! In perspective, no this isnt the end of the world. It was a mistake, and it wont end my grade, but FuCK!! *sighs*

Type your cut contents here.

Breakup

2006-11-21T17:22:54Z

I broke up with Matt this morning. We got into a fight last night, even though were on a break. And he finally confessed what he's been feeling. He's tired of my anxiety and my worrying...he's tired of me. I can understand, since being in this relationship my anxiety has increased, and I believe my depression has gotten worse over the past month. Relationship's are supposed to make a person feel good right? Your supposed to want to spend time with the other person, not avoid them. It's just not the right time for me to be in a relationship. I'm glad that I've had the experience, god am I glad. I know what it's like to be a loved girlfriend. He treated me soo well, he did everything he could do to make me happy. However, it felt sometimes as if he was seeking solace in me, like I was some kinda mother figure....I always had to take care of him, and I understand that is part of what a relationship is, taking care of the other person. So then why did he never take care of me? I mean, he comforted me when I was upset, but he never helped me solve the actual problem, it was as though it wasnt such a big deal to him. I think taht after all this I've realized I'm not ready for a relationship, I need to grow more as an individual before taking one on again. But it's good that I have this a shot. He'll still be my friend, because in reality it is his friendship that I have yearned for all this time. I dont know, but I feel somewhat light inside right now...I feel free.

o.0 trying to recall how to breath

2006-11-14T04:00:39Z

*Takes deep breath and SCREAMS*

OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!

I have just realized exactly how much work i need to accomplish within the next month. And it's a lot!! A ten page research paper, passing the chemistry placement exam, figuring out how NOT to be nervous when giving speeches, acing my speech final, and doing REALLY well in Women's lit, not to mention my other classes. OH MY GOD!!! *Runs around in circles w/ ipod (god I love this thing)* Okay, so if anyone reads this, please, some words of wisdom would be helpful. Yes, I understand that if I work diligently everyday then it will be fine. But for gods sake, does anyone really have that kind of work ethic. *Inhales, exhales, Inhales, exhales* it is no longer a matter of not wanting to do this or being lazy. In order to feel any accomplishment, in order to be able to be successful at del val I must figure out how to do this. These are just challenges on the road to my future...right?

That reminds me....I got my official acceptance letter to Del Val. And....I got an annual $8,000 scholarship! I am so unbelievably relieved and scared. My work has finally paid of. Now I can keep moving forward.

dramachan @ 2006-10-31T15:53:00

2006-10-31T20:53:43Z

Oh my god....

I had no idea that writing a blog could do such damage. I am sooooo sorry to all of those who read my Nana blog. If it's any consilation I'm scarred for life at the damage I caused...

Sorry...

don't wanna do work

2006-10-29T15:39:38Z

I'm procrasinating and it's going to kick me in the ass. I have to write/edit 3 essays, study for chem, finish a novel, and basically just work my ass of on each and every subject for my classes. But I don't wanna, I just want to relax and sit and do nothing. However knowing me I wont be able to do that until I get a fair portion of my work done. *sigh* what's a girl to do. Oh! Matt and I celebrated our 4 month yesterday. It was so fun, even though it started out lame. We went to see a movie that was so bad we left early. So we just went back to his place and snuggled and hungout. It was just what I needed. It reaffirmed how much I love him and he loves me. I know that sounds waaaaaaaaaayyyy too much but we were friends for 3 years before we went out. So technically there was love already there.

Sickness

2006-10-21T18:28:31Z

Hey people,
Well yesterday my dad came to visit me and all i can say is thank god. See I had a minor stroke yesterday and if my dad hadnt rushed me to the hospital, well, I certainly wouldnt be updating my lj thats for sure. O! a word of advice, when ur nauseus, don't take antinausea medicine!!! It is much better to just wait it out. Especially if you are in a rush to get better. So anyway a big shout out of thanks to St. Mary's hospital staff. They were Amazing to me in there! I feel much better today, better than i have in a whole week. Also, my mom came up to PA as well, she dragged my little brother and sister with her. Of course Jessica had a shit fest and freaked out. She ran away for the better part of 3 whole fucking hours. When she got back she went on a tirade of how horrible my mother is for making her come to PA to see her sister. Blah blah blah. SO my uncle jumped in (big surprise) and told her to Shut the fuck up. After 2 hours the ordeal was dealt with and the rest of the night went on. Meaning they all went to sleep because it was 2:00 am. I woke up today feeling okay but not great. Pleaded with my mommy not to leave me, which worked, she stayed foruan extra hour. Went back to sleep and woke up feeling much better. Im not 100% yet but im definetly getting there. There's the update. SO for once my parents really really helped me out instead of making it worse.