dramachan

Where roads lead us

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 06:56:06 GMT

I was just skimming facebook and saw that most of the people that I knew from my childhood, who went to my middle school all went to Ivy League schools, or in the very least prestiges ones. It had me thinking, how bad the pressure on them must have been. Growing up in that environment, well it's a lot like Gossip Girl. You have to look right, talk right, act right. You are expected to get into the best schools, drive the expensive cars, live a life of wealth and some power. The revelation is, the groundwork was pressed into me as well. Though Del Val, isn't as well known as many schools, it is without a doubt a great school. A school that I feel safe in, and continue to grow in. I wont let myself get down by the fact that they are in these prestigous school. Because who knows if they are in fact truly happy. Who can be the judge of that. As for myself, who cares if I didn't get into NYU or Cornell or Harvard. I have accomplished a huge goal in my own right. The fact that I am here today writing in this journal is proof of that. In short, I guess the only reason for writing this late at night when I have to get up in five hours is to just tell myself. I'm doing just fine.

Rainy day ephinay

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 14:58:55 GMT

Apparently the amount of work that I'm putting in is not enough. Nor is my study method. I have to try something different, and study smarter, or else I just may as well quit school and sign up for a life of dead end jobs. I know that it is partly my fault for why my grades are. but G-d Damn't!! I hate this. It was unnerving just how accurate he was about my own self defeat cycle. I fear the un-pending doom of my grades and freak out. Then scramble to pick up the pieces and try to hold it all together. This has never been healthy, but at least I was able to keep up a 3.0 average. Well here that's not the case. The classes are only going to become more and more difficult. And Bio is just the beginning, then I have genetics, ecology, stats for reseasrch, anatomy and phys. I mean, jeezus! Sciences are one of The hardest majors so of course I pick it. "slams head into wall". As disappointed as I am in my grades, I can't give up. There is no future for me by not finishing school. So instead, I'm going to go see my professor and tell him. "Well I need to try something different so I figure I'd go to you now about lab instead of struggling on my own. My other classes also require even more time. Fucking A, as if 2 hours of studying a night isn't enough. Well when I can...I procrastinate which is once again my fault. *sighs* well the only thing to do now is to try something different. Cause life ain't going to get easier or better by being mopey. It's cool that instead of feeling defeated I feel invigorated. The mopeness passed on with the next!

Blog before the tests

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 22:21:51 GMT

Yeahness! I feel more comfortable with the information on my upcoming tests then I did for the last ones. I have gone to see my proffessor 4 times, yes 4TIMES for this upcoming exam. And he gets my learning style *big thumbs up*. I'm still anxious about them because they are on my two most difficult subjects. But! At least my proff's know that I'm trying my hardest, which is something! I swear to god I will pass those classes tomorrow *cue the fire standing and the glassy eyed anime character* In other news, my mother took back her boyfriend a few months ago and has been in bliss since. I really didn't think that this would happen.She was so pissed of at him and hurt . But Andy has one my mother's heart once again, and thus, they are moving in together. yeahh? I really don't know how to feel about this. Yes I'm happy for my mom, but, well, it's weird. At the house my dad share's with his gf I can't be myself, let alone it is Great Neck, but at least I felt comfortable with my dad. Now, it's so...beige, seriously that woman decorated her house completly mono tone. Now my Mom is doing the same thing. I feel more comfortable with Andy, then I do with Debbie (dad's gf) mostly because he doesn't look a thing like my father, while Debbie is a SCARY and yes I mean SCARY likeness to my Mom. So they are going to be selling my childhood hell hole a.k.a the house I grew up and found a really nice house ont he other side of town. I think I even get my own room, which will be nice. My brother is okay with the whole thing, he just wants our Mother to be happy. He's basically had to take care of her the past oh say five years. Supporting her, being there for her, having to act vastly mature past his age. Jacob's a great kid ^.^. Overall things are finally getting better at DVC. I have to study a lot everyday to keep up, but that's college I guess. It does suck though, the guy who I kinda liked (manda don't you dare tell matt!) turned out to be just like...Jeff Chemji. Enough said right there. He's not As big of a man-whore, mostly due to his friends kicking his ass after he tried something with me, and a different girl the same night. *shakes head* stupid stupid boy. I'm so happy I got out of that without a scratch. I knew what he was about and he was DeNied. hahaha. As for Matt, damn him just damn him. I don't miss him as severley, mostly because I'm keeping myself very busy. I don't know what the future holds for us, and to even go into that will just take way to long and really who the hell knows what's going to happen. It just, sucks, since whenever he calls me he acts all cute and sweet and romantic and my reaction is one of self-presevation. A.K.A I don't let him get into to much detail...he's single and he should be enjoying himself! He works all the time so he hasn't had a chance yet to really "go out" but apparently all of his friends who have gone out have had "good times" meaning they either had sex or made out with a Japanese girl. In all honesty. I would prefer if he did that. This is his life, and I don't want to be a reason that he holds back. *sighs* love really is best described in a Jane Austin novel.

Turn back time

Sat, 22 Sep 2007 02:48:56 GMT

So I am without a doubt an IDIOT! Without realizing it I took advantage of my my best friend, fucked up something with Keagan, aka i told him that I'm starting to like him. Then like an IDIOT I talked about this with...his ex. Whom by the way is head over heals in love with another man. But Keagan is like her best friend, so of course she is going to be protective and a bit jealous. Totally understandable, but she was accusing me of judging him, and I don't know him very well, so I'm wrong. Well she is probably right about that. I don't know him very well, and I would rather be friends first and then date, because hello that is the best way to go about it. I don' t know. I think I just sabatogaged it. I hope I didn't because it would suck, really really suck because I want to get to know him better and be cool with him. So yeah that sucks as. Then there is the whole thing with Tristan. I invited him to come visit me, and then when he did I asked for his help with my computer. The poor guy felt taken advantage of, and like he had gone out of his way to help me, but I wasn't appreciative enough. I asked him to help me with two things, and have been going to him for emotional support during this time of change. I can understand why he would be angry, so yet again another problem. The thing with Alyssa, not a big deal, the girl is a true aquarius, aka, she is acting could and distant. But she has been completely honest about everything so that is good. I have to ride things out I know, but I really don't want to get hurt by him. I think he could, even if he didn't mean to. So I'm just going to see how things go. However, today sucked because of all these things. If I could I would turn back time and go back three days and do this all over again. I wouldn't take advantage of Tristan, I would make sure that he was happy and welcomed and didn't get lost in Jersey on his way home. I would Not tell Kegan anything, I would keep it too myself. And I would be in my room when Matt called so I could get his freaking phone call. I cried because I missed it last night, and this is the second one! I wish I could talk to him. I just want to know if he is okay.

It's good that he's back

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 03:14:42 GMT

It's so good to know that someone has your back. Someone who you can trust and trusts you. I had missed that in Tristan. When he and manda started going out, I was afraid to continue talking to him. She gets jealous and I didn't want the same thing to happen that happened with Josh. So I finally got to a root of my problem here. I feel as though if I move forward, like meet new guys and make close friends I'm betraying Manda and Matt. But that's not the case, they are moving ahead, and so should I. Just because I didn't go all the way to Japan doesn't mean that I don't deserve the same thing. And more to the point, I'm at a new school, and the opportunities are endless. I've been so busy feeling guilty for going forward I was hindering myself. And then I get pissed for not going forward. leading to...just a bad combination. So I'm not going to do that to myself. I'm going to let myself embrace everything here. I still have my old friends, and they have me. It doesn't mean that I can't make new ones. As for guys, M and I aren't even together. We broke up, and I don't have to decide that I'm like going to spend the rest of my life with him or anything. I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to betray him. But if we are not together then how can I betray him? Should a guy come into my life then fine. But I wont dispell it just because of him. He doesn't want that for me anyway. Yeahness, maybe tonight I can finally get a good night sleep.

Time is strange

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 15:30:34 GMT

You know how when you get older and time seems to zip on through. Months go by in a week, days within hours? Time right now is kinda...wobbly. It's not even been a week since he left, but it feels much longer then that. The thing is, I'm not wigging out, or obsessing. At least not too much. I'm still making myself go out of the dorm all the time and talk to people. I'm becoming better friends with my roomate and suitemates. I'm making friends. School seems as though it could easily overwhelm me if I don't keep up with all my work. But hey, that would also be a great way to keep preoccupied right? The classes that look thus far as though they can overwhelm me are...Animal Lab, Bio lab and Lect. and maybe math. The math isn't completly confunding, I know I can get it. (Katz I <3 u always for giving me more confidence in that). It's just, I miss him, a lot. It was so weird, after a nine month seperation within a half an hour it was like we had never been apart. I had forgotten, and yes it was kinda forced, how...happy I feel when I'm with him. I can completly be myself, no reserves or anything, not that he would let me anyway. Whenever I try to close myself off, he nudges till I spill my guts. It's unerving! Damn't this wasn't supposed to happen. In high school, he was the one pinning and in love with me. So when did it become mutual? Im glad it did, a little, but it's so frustrating. Why is it that it seems something is always pulling us apart. Literally? I guess it's a sign that we shouldn't be together, yet. W/e school is good, life is not in caos, and I am making more friends everyday, and pushing myself. I'm being strong. Which is what I promised both of them.

Fabulous to Frog

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 06:57:03 GMT

Yesterday was one of the most fantastic days I have had all summer! I went to the beach with Amweg, Janna, and Manda. We went to Pt. Pleasant beach, after having a pancake breakfast at Amweg's home. Of course on the way there we got lost twice, but the ride was so much fun! We listened to such fantastic music, all from the 90's lol. When we got to the beach the water was COLD, but we still went in and just swam in the ocean. I felt somewhat at peace, I missed him, and manda saw it on my face. Damn for having a bff who can read you like a book. So we sat on the beach and sun bathed and gossiped. I must have a mis construed view on my body. I thought I was somewhat ok, ehhhhh wrong! I definetly need to lose the 20+ lbs. I've already lost five, I just need to keep eating better and walking brinks. On the boardwalk there is a physic, and I really really wanted to go. So of course I did. The woman told me I have my own physic capabilities, like an empath, I can sense other people's emotions which is true, it alway's has been. She also was able to see that I have two gaurdian angels, a male and a female. I have a very long life line and will live a happy prosporous life. Then it got freaky. She said I have a seperated love, I said yes the man I love is in the Marines, she said that he's gone now and i said yes, he's in Virgina and will be gone for four years. She shook her head no. He will be gone for less time then that, I asked if he was going to get hurt, she said i have to believe that he will be ok, he's going to hurt his leg or knee, but he will return. He has a good soul, and a good heart. This year I will meet a new man. It will start as a friendship and delelop into more. I will be confused and wonder how I can have two soulmates. But I am destined for the one I have already loved. WEIRD. Then she told me I need to get hematite stone the deflects negative energy and a book for regulating chakra. All the negative energy from my friends, its just making things more confusing and harder. Everything in my life is ok, its going in the right direction. it's going to be ok.

The universe is trying to tell me something. When he comes back, for a break, I leave the next day. When it is stated tha he is my soulmate, I find out that he's going to be gone for two years. Yes, Matt's dream has come true, he's going to Japan. FOR TWO YEARS! I swear, I honestly don't know if he's going to want to come back to the states. I am happy that his dream is coming true, he has always wanted to go to Japan, he loves everything about it. The technology, the food, the women, the women the otaku culture and once again women. This is a Big Big omen. We cannot be together. Who knows if we should ever be together again. I am happy that he's not in Iraq. At least he'll be safe. Thank god for that. Only one thing right now is certain. We are going in different places in our lives. Maybe we will be together again, who knows. All I know right now is that I love him and he loves me. Mike and Aunt Jill were right, all my friends were right nothing good can come from this. We are both going to get hurt. Or...perhaps we are destined to be. Who knows.

Dashing of into new horizons

Sat, 14 Jul 2007 04:14:45 GMT

Holy Moly,
The past couple of weeks have been non-stop college geared. I got all, or at least most of my stuff for my dorm room, thanks to the help of my dear Janna and a Very intersting saleswoman who mad the entire thing very funny. And I must give myself a pat on the back. I have discvoered a way to makes sure my father doesn't fuck me over with the money. I ordered all the stuff and put it into a registery to be picked up at the store closest to my school. 1) My dad whips out the credit card on spot and 2) he'll be emotional and sentimental so he wont say shit about how much it all costs. *Dances*. Yesterday I got my dorm, which is put in the brochure as the best dorm at the school ^_^. It costs more, but, it is the only substance free dorm at the college, and yes I am a loser and feel more comfortable with that. Thankfully my father has one self-destructing daughter and relises in the fact that I am not Jessica. My roomate looks very nice. She looks liks eomeone I would hangout with with my own friends. I mean, she is part of the Original Power Rangers were the best club, SWEET. And of all ironies, she's from Long Island New York. How weird is that. She's from the area where I grew up in?
I am nervous, but it's being overcome, at least now and hopefully will stay that way by my excitement. I cannot wait to move forward in my love. And I will work my ass of in the school for the grades, buts more importantly, to make this an amazing expirence. I want to be happy and have fun their, I want to grow and change, (at least a little bit.) Yes I'm nervous, but isn't that to be expected?

Swish goes the wind

Sat, 23 Jun 2007 04:22:26 GMT

Lol, that actually has nothing whatsoever to do with this journal. I love how friends can just make u happy. Like just knowing that my friends care about me, brings such a huge smile to my face. So today I had off and was looking at all these things for college. I am so freaking excited for this. I am sick and tired of yardley PA. Time to expand my horizons. The summer thus far has been nice and quiet. No huge drama or anything which is always a relief, and the crap that has happened, I've learned to take it all with a grain of salt. Today my family was on my butt about my grades. Because of chem I didnt do so great this semester, my G.P.A dropped >.<. However! I have vowed to do better next semester when I go to del val. anyway I'm really tired, but I found something interesting when signing on. Sarah ur right, the stars do seem to know exactley what's going on. Freaky!

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)

You can be a champion of detachment, enabling you to live in the present moment or in the future. Now, however, you may uncharacteristically hold on to the past. Don't be resistant to revisiting your history in order to process unresolved feelings. Even if this trip down memory lane takes a few days or a few weeks, clearing the air will allow you to return unencumbered to be swept into the exciting whirlwind of what's to come.

Forget the past

Wed, 30 May 2007 06:15:33 GMT

For whatever reason, I have been missing my ex. I know that I shouldn't, but I do. For a long time I believed that it was all my fault that we broke up. But after some time I remembered just how much of an ass he is and how he was never there for me. I think I miss him because I see so many of my friends in relationships and very happy in them. See, I never got the goodie romance stuff. I was never wooed, I've never been surprised by romantic gestures, or had any real romantic gestures from boyfriends. I want that! I want the guy who is going to put me first, the guy who will want to sweep me of my feet. I want to be able to rely on him and now that he's gonna be there for me! I'm tired of being some kind of mother figure to jerks! Like Jeremy and Don, oh my god, you will never find more insecure conceited assholes! And yet, they are my friends. Jeremy, isn't as bad a Don, since if I really needed him he would be there for me. However, he believes himself to be charming and funny and all he is is obnoxious and full of himself with bad social behavior. He's a joke at times and other times he's emo. I'm not going to get into the other people cause I really don't feel up to it. I'm tired. I'll write more later. Night!

Mon, 12 Feb 2007 02:22:03 GMT

Sooo sleepy. And drained and tired. But I'm ok.
I've been kinda depressed this past week. I'm better now though, I got to see my new cousin Gabriella. She's so tiny! She's not even 3 months old yet. Babies seem to make everything better.I dont care what people say about how they can be accidents or what not. There is nothing like that feeling you get when a baby is crying when anyone else hold her and then when you do and they breath that sigh of relief, your heart melts. What I thought was going to be drama filled and bad wasnt. And that goes for two occassions. *sighs* On friday I went to see the band's concert. It was at sacred grounds, which yea does suck, since it's filled of possers. Lots and lots of emo punk possers. Well anyway, Don, Hope, Lexi and I went to T's and Brett's house before the show to hangout. I thought Brett looked really hott. But then of course when He walked in smelling that good all thoughts of Brett flew out the window. He looked and hott and smelled hott. Fuck! So I made the introductions and then we found out that T's sister and her boyfriend were coming, and Don's face lit up. So when Hope asked who she was I said that she was Don's ideal woman. Inject foot into mouth. But, really, it was instictual, especially considering how much Don idealizes her. And Hope was a little taken aback admittedly yes. But Don was furious. He ranted to a few people about how I almost fucked up his chances with Hope, how I had stabbed him in the back. Total freak out. Dude, calm the fuck down. We had a long talk over it and everything is cleared up, he apologized for overreacting and being a dick, and I apologized for saying something I know I shouldnt have. It does remind me of the situation with Drew and Lily, but there is a huge difference. Don actually told me that he was upset and we talked it over and we are fine. It took a long time for me and Lily to be okay again, Drew and I will never be trully ok with one another again. Anyway back to the concert. So I met Jen, she's gorgeous and sweet. T was physched to see her and we joked about it. So we get to the hall, and the girls and I hungout, Tara came over as well which was cool. Then when they went on, they kept arguing during the set. NOT GOOD. Tony was being a hog when it came to the spot light, no more so then usual so I've been told. Since this was my first concert seeing them. He was jumping into the crowed (his guitar is cordless), he was so out of control. It was unreal, he was like a completly different person. I did get a bit starry eyed when I saw him playing his guitar solo's but nothing to big. Then I saw my ex, interesting (it was jeff), and then I saw an old crush, again interesting. Alll in all it was a great night, Don and Hope are really cute together, I'm really glad that I pushed for them to be together.
One of the weirdest things that has been going on lately. I can't stop dreaming about T. Why can't my subconcious catch up with me? I'm over him, or at least mostly over him. I can't let myself linger on him, it wont do me, or anyone for that matter any good. What I need to focus on, is school. I have so much to do...it's starting to freak me out. On that note, gotta go do work.
peace

Hurt

Fri, 12 Jan 2007 04:39:51 GMT

I cannot believe how hurt I am. He said to me that he didnt want me to believe that there was no chance for us. That he wanted to get to know me better as friends, and spend time with me. Yet in the past month there has been no hanging out, no real conversations, at least not the ones that I wish for. He has a girlfriend, yes it's official and more than that there was another girl that he was talking to when he and Ashley (the gf) were not a couple yet. He likes this other girl, a lot, he likes her so much that he called up Don and complained to him about how torn he was at 1:00 am. I'm in so much pain right now. I've called him and left messages. None of which were returned. Seeing him yesterday, after week of not talking or seeing him he IGNORED ME. He spoke to Don, and after band practice talked with his other friends, but there was no real effort on his part to speak to me. I feel like such a fucking moron. I should never have told him that I liked him, I should never have called him. I broke all of my rules and it got me no where. It seems that whenever I dont like a guy, he pursues me and then there "blah". But I pursued him and I got screwed over. I dont want this to be the end, although in my heart and mind I know that it wasnt going to go anywhere anyway. All it was going to do was hurt me. I may be a fool, I may have let myself believe a bit too much. When am I going to be able to get my timing right. It's never right, it's actually a big joke for everyone. I can laugh it of most of the time, but this time all I can do is cry. I know what this pic seems to look like, but really its just because looking at Zero makes me smile.

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 06:17:25 GMT

Ouch.
That basically sums up how I've been feeling lately. My grandma recupperating from surgery, fighting with my aunt and mom. Then most pathetically pinning over a guy. I'm letting this "situation" with me and Tony become an obsession, and it's pissing of everybody. Especially Amanda, who scolded me, not that I didnt deserve it. I have to go to my friends annual holiday party, but I also have the opportunity to see Tony and possibly see his band play. I want to see him, I'm not going to deny that, but I can't miss the party. I've been a huge downer lately, I've been so preoccupied with all of the bad shit that has happened lately I just can't get myslef in a good mood. I know I'm bothering my friends with all of this crap, and how I keep repeating myself about it. But when will this shit end?! No one likes to be around depressing people, I understand that, but when your in a bad mood, ur in a bad mood, u have to just let it take its course. Anyway thats my rant

La de dah

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 17:32:25 GMT

I really should be doing work right now...or I should be watching my friend Mike's Jazz concert. But...I'm not instead I'm bullshitting with Mark in the library. Sometimes you just can't concentrate. And I can't push myself to do any more work.
But..I can't wait for this semester to be over! I want to be able to relax again.

Mortification

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 19:53:54 GMT

This was one of the dumbest things I have allowed myself to do.

1)Im sick, my voice is sore as hell and I sound like granite
2)Im on my period; emotional, bloated, and headache
3) DIDNT Practice my speech
4) Forgot my powerpoint
5) Didnt go in the correct order of my speech, which was going to kick ass and I worked really really really really hard on
6) Forgot my powerpoint
7) Listened to my mother and allowed myself to be intimadated by my proffessor, forcing myself to do something that was against my better judgment
Thus, I FUCKED UP MY SPEECH
Oh my god, it was HORRIBLE, it was the worst one anyone in the class has ever done. I've always been undecisive, allowing the "what if" and the unkown stand in the way of my decisions. If anything good has come out of this disaster it is that I have to follow my gut. But fucking hell, I cant believe this disaster, it was horrible! In perspective, no this isnt the end of the world. It was a mistake, and it wont end my grade, but FuCK!! *sighs*

Type your cut contents here.

Breakup

Tue, 21 Nov 2006 17:22:54 GMT

I broke up with Matt this morning. We got into a fight last night, even though were on a break. And he finally confessed what he's been feeling. He's tired of my anxiety and my worrying...he's tired of me. I can understand, since being in this relationship my anxiety has increased, and I believe my depression has gotten worse over the past month. Relationship's are supposed to make a person feel good right? Your supposed to want to spend time with the other person, not avoid them. It's just not the right time for me to be in a relationship. I'm glad that I've had the experience, god am I glad. I know what it's like to be a loved girlfriend. He treated me soo well, he did everything he could do to make me happy. However, it felt sometimes as if he was seeking solace in me, like I was some kinda mother figure....I always had to take care of him, and I understand that is part of what a relationship is, taking care of the other person. So then why did he never take care of me? I mean, he comforted me when I was upset, but he never helped me solve the actual problem, it was as though it wasnt such a big deal to him. I think taht after all this I've realized I'm not ready for a relationship, I need to grow more as an individual before taking one on again. But it's good that I have this a shot. He'll still be my friend, because in reality it is his friendship that I have yearned for all this time. I dont know, but I feel somewhat light inside right now...I feel free.

o.0 trying to recall how to breath

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 04:00:39 GMT

*Takes deep breath and SCREAMS*

OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!

I have just realized exactly how much work i need to accomplish within the next month. And it's a lot!! A ten page research paper, passing the chemistry placement exam, figuring out how NOT to be nervous when giving speeches, acing my speech final, and doing REALLY well in Women's lit, not to mention my other classes. OH MY GOD!!! *Runs around in circles w/ ipod (god I love this thing)* Okay, so if anyone reads this, please, some words of wisdom would be helpful. Yes, I understand that if I work diligently everyday then it will be fine. But for gods sake, does anyone really have that kind of work ethic. *Inhales, exhales, Inhales, exhales* it is no longer a matter of not wanting to do this or being lazy. In order to feel any accomplishment, in order to be able to be successful at del val I must figure out how to do this. These are just challenges on the road to my future...right?

That reminds me....I got my official acceptance letter to Del Val. And....I got an annual $8,000 scholarship! I am so unbelievably relieved and scared. My work has finally paid of. Now I can keep moving forward.

Tue, 31 Oct 2006 20:53:43 GMT

Oh my god....

I had no idea that writing a blog could do such damage. I am sooooo sorry to all of those who read my Nana blog. If it's any consilation I'm scarred for life at the damage I caused...

Sorry...

don't wanna do work

Sun, 29 Oct 2006 15:39:38 GMT

I'm procrasinating and it's going to kick me in the ass. I have to write/edit 3 essays, study for chem, finish a novel, and basically just work my ass of on each and every subject for my classes. But I don't wanna, I just want to relax and sit and do nothing. However knowing me I wont be able to do that until I get a fair portion of my work done. *sigh* what's a girl to do. Oh! Matt and I celebrated our 4 month yesterday. It was so fun, even though it started out lame. We went to see a movie that was so bad we left early. So we just went back to his place and snuggled and hungout. It was just what I needed. It reaffirmed how much I love him and he loves me. I know that sounds waaaaaaaaaayyyy too much but we were friends for 3 years before we went out. So technically there was love already there.

Sickness

Sat, 21 Oct 2006 18:28:31 GMT

Hey people,
Well yesterday my dad came to visit me and all i can say is thank god. See I had a minor stroke yesterday and if my dad hadnt rushed me to the hospital, well, I certainly wouldnt be updating my lj thats for sure. O! a word of advice, when ur nauseus, don't take antinausea medicine!!! It is much better to just wait it out. Especially if you are in a rush to get better. So anyway a big shout out of thanks to St. Mary's hospital staff. They were Amazing to me in there! I feel much better today, better than i have in a whole week. Also, my mom came up to PA as well, she dragged my little brother and sister with her. Of course Jessica had a shit fest and freaked out. She ran away for the better part of 3 whole fucking hours. When she got back she went on a tirade of how horrible my mother is for making her come to PA to see her sister. Blah blah blah. SO my uncle jumped in (big surprise) and told her to Shut the fuck up. After 2 hours the ordeal was dealt with and the rest of the night went on. Meaning they all went to sleep because it was 2:00 am. I woke up today feeling okay but not great. Pleaded with my mommy not to leave me, which worked, she stayed foruan extra hour. Went back to sleep and woke up feeling much better. Im not 100% yet but im definetly getting there. There's the update. SO for once my parents really really helped me out instead of making it worse.

Sat, 21 Oct 2006 18:28:22 GMT

Update

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 02:56:06 GMT

Hey people,
Okay, Im sure that everyone thinks im some emo whinny freaky. But im not! I swear I can be really funny and happy. However, hasnt everyone ever been there, where the wish they could turn back the clock and restart. I wish I could. Well whatever I can't so I just have to improve and work my ass of...perserverence! (as amanda would say).

In good news, I was able to get the new issue of sensual phrase and shojo beat. Oh my god. I loooooooooove manga! I know its sappy, but I really do like it when the girl gets the guy.

Nothing is ever easy

Sun, 08 Oct 2006 20:36:04 GMT

Just when I think that its going to be an okay weekend, I get a punch in the stomach. I thought it was going to be good because I felt I could actually managae my workload this weekend. I got done all of my chem homework and actually understood it. I didnt have to write a speech, or any essays. All I would have to do is read, which I actually enjoy doing. And then my boyfriend calls me. He is visiting his friend up at Mannsfeild college this weekend with some of their friends. And Matt likes the college. A lot. Enough that he confided in me that he can see himself going there. He likes the campus and finds it relaxing. He's interested in majoring in history. I'm sooo proud of him, I congratulate him, then I remember. Mannsfield is FIVE HOURS AWAY. I couldnt help it, I started crying. I got of the phone and just sat numbly on the bed while the dogs (Im dog sitting this weekend) eyed me curoisly. What the fuck am I supposed to think! I want him to go to college, he wont have a future if he doesn't go. And it has always been a huge concern in our relationship. But 5 hours away! After calling some friends, my mother(who made it worse) and thought about it for the better part of the day, I know what I have to do. I have to support him, I know Matt, he would do anything for me, including giving up this opportunity. I would never be able to live with myself if he did that. I love him too much to just hold him back, plus it goes against my morals. I say this and yet I can feel the tears building up again, my body aches. How can I face him with a smile on my face, when all I want to do is cry and cling. I'm pathetic. We've only been dating for 3 months. And they havent been easy, they have tested us, me. I'm going to push him to do this. Even if it breaks my heart. I dont care if we've only been together for 3 months. We've been friends for 3 years! My mother says I'm overreacting. But then again my mother has been heartbroken numerous times and is now cynical about love. So am I overreacting?

I'm glad I have him

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 04:31:33 GMT

Holy guacamolie!!
There is a Honey and Clover live action movie coming out ^_^!!

As for adventures in my daily life for once I think I'll talk about my boyfriend.
My friends reactions when they found out I was going out with matt was a mix. Surprise, expected, and cautious. Since we've been friends, there was always a feeling that I wanted to brush aside. I didnt want to loose myself and just become a "girlfriend". At the same time, love, yea it scares the shit out of me. I mean, soo many things occur because of love, just look at Helen of troy...although that is debatable. But anyway, I can actually talk to Matt. I dont have to worry about sounding like a dumbass, I dont have to hold back because I dont think he gives a damn. He really does. Prime example, last night I had him over for dinner, yom kippur dinner, and if any of u guys are jewish u know how big a deal that is. It actually went really well. But, when we got back to Tristan's, I was stressing because I have so much work to do (still havent done it all yet...)and it seemed that all he wanted to do was make-out. It pissed me of, and it wasnt the first time I had felt this way. The growing feeling of dread resurfaced and I thought, is this all were going to be? fuck buddies? But he picked up on it. I denied anything was wrong, claiming it was just becaue of school that I was stressed, but it wasnt. And he didnt buy it. So after coaxing me for the better part of 20 min. I finally told him. I told him that it seemed he didnt really want to spend time with me as much as he just wanted sex. I felt that we were losing our friendship, which is the basis of our relationship and I was angry about that. Matt looked at me, in his (oh...shit) face and scolded me! That jackass scolded me for not telling him sooner. That if something is bothering me I have to tell him before it becomes too big for us to work out. We spent the rest of our time together snuggling and me tickling him. We watched bad t.v and laughed. Yea, sex is great, but sometimes all I want to do is just be held and know that its okay that I'm not perfect. To just talk about random shit and tell stories. I'm very proud of the fact that I've actually managed to get him not to be as closed up ^^. My family said that they know he loves me if he puts up with all of my wig outs, and my weirdness. I know that they are right. We have never had a honey moon stage, its more like us feeling each other out and learning about one another. Like he said in the beginning, "I know everything about you inside, now I'm learning about your body". There will still be fights, there will still be issues, nothing is ever perfect. But it's not about perfection. It's about finding someone who is different enought that you even each other out. And that's what we are.

Update

Thu, 28 Sep 2006 03:39:39 GMT

Hey guys,
First of. It's my 3 month anniversary!

Okay so update. I'm feeling somewhat better. Two day's ago a stray cat was lingering around my house. So of course, I fed him. And he bonded with me. How do I know that he became attached? Because after my aunt came home and flipped shit over it being there, and demanded I get rid of it I went to Matt's to see if it would go away. Two hours later when I came home, it came running down the drive way to meet me, and jumped into my arms. OH THE FUCKING GUILT. So yesterday, I took it to the SPCA. I think they will keep it for about 8 weeks or something. They have a lot of events coming up, and because he is so friendly I'm sure that someone will adopt him. Hey, I even have scars to remember him by. Alex, thats what I called him, was a perfect angel in the car, I started crying when we got to the SPCA, and a giant dog barked so he tried jumping away out of fear. He got me good on my left palm and two long ones across the left side of my chest...sexy. It's better that he is there being taken care of then starving and freezing on the street. It was the only thing I could do.
On another note, I spent the entire weekend writing that fucking speech, turns out it wasnt even the best it could be. >.< So he let me have another two days to fix it up. But, because I was focusing on my effective speaking class, I forgot about my chem test. I studied all day and night yesterday for it, and I believe I did okay on it. It helps that I have a tutor. I dont know, but, the constant thought I have had for the past week is that I am sinking. I feel better now, knowing that I have a set study schedule and the test being over, but this can't go on! I can't keep wigging out and getting so ungodly stressed out. Anyone have any idea's on what I can do?? Oh! and Kudo's on reading this whole thing.